Graham is 65 and lives in Glenfield. Following his wife’s death, he started attending a LOROS bereavement hub where he found the friendship and support he needed to manage his grief. During Mental Health Awareness Week, here’s Graham’s story.
“In September 2023 I was working in Switzerland. One night at 2am I got a phone call from my daughter. I thought it was about my elderly mum, but it was my wife, Donna. She’d been tragically killed in a car crash. I was devastated, and my world turned upside down.
A few months later I was talking to someone, and they said, “They hold a bereavement hub at LOROS — why don’t you give it a go?” I said I would. She said, “Just go once. It might be for you or it might not, but you won’t know unless you go.” Over two years later, I’m still going.
I’ve met so many wonderful people suffering like me. I still remember when I first walked into the room. Everyone was sitting in a circle, and they all looked up when I walked in. I remember thinking, do I carry on or do I run away? Thank God I walked in. I was very teary and emotional. Gradually, as the weeks went by, I was less emotional and more relaxed, and the volunteers told me that was quite normal.
Now, two years down the line, there are people coming into the group in exactly the same state I was in, and we embrace them. We tell them it’s okay to be emotional and not be able to speak without crying. A few weeks down the line they are a different person, because they all feel so comfortable with each other in the same room.
When I first walked in, I thought there might be five or so people, but there were about twenty. It made me realise I am not the only person in Leicester who has lost someone. Bereavement is such a lonely experience, but seeing how other people were affected made me feel less isolated. You’re not the only one suffering, grieving and lonely. Empathising with other people who are also grieving helps you feel less alone and realise they’re in pain too.
When I first came, there were six of us who had all lost our partners within a few weeks. We seemed to gel straight away. We formed our own WhatsApp group because we got on so well. On the first Friday of the month we all go out for breakfast and have a chat. We celebrate each other’s birthdays, we buy each other Christmas presents, things like that. We go to garden centres, we go to quizzes. It’s opened up a whole new friendship circle for me.
Sometimes I’ll ask, “Are you okay, Lynn?” and she’ll say, “No, on Monday it will be two years since I lost Dave,” and we’ll have a hug. And they’ll detect it with me — “Are you okay, Graham?” — and I can say, “No, not really, I’ve had a bad week.” We’re all aware of each other and what we’re going through. It’s brought us all closer. None of us has to hide anything; we can be ourselves completely.
Whatever happens inside those four walls stays there. I’m a builder, I’m a bloke, I like a pint and I like the football, so to cry is a bit embarrassing. But not in that room — it’s fine, because other blokes cry too. Some don’t, and that’s fine because we’re all different.
Three of my group are going on the Machu Picchu trek and are raising money by doing a benefit night at the Chef and Spice restaurant. I took the flyer to the group and instantly eight people signed up, because they all want to socialise and they get comfort from each other. It’s also important to me to feel like other people are benefitting. I’ve sold lots of raffle tickets too — I’m nearly up to £1,000, so that is really great.
Listening to other people at the group made me realise we all had the same problems — with banks, making wills, probates, etc. People share their solutions, and it really puts your mind at rest. Some of the older ladies are really worried about all the paperwork, and it really helps for someone to tell you, “Don’t worry, just do one thing at a time.”
When you’re on your own, you’re doing things for the first time. When Donna was alive, she had her specific jobs. I worked six days a week, sometimes 80 hours a week. Now Donna has gone, I’ve had to learn how to cook, how to use the washing machine, the dishwasher, iron, go shopping — all sorts of things. Donna did all our online banking, so I had to learn all of that too. I’m not technically minded, so I’m quite chuffed that I’ve done all that. Learning how to do everything your partner used to do, while you’re in the midst of grief, is really hard though.
My friendship group is probably around 40–50 people now, and around 20 go to the group. We all give each other a hug and have a catch‑up. We have to arrive 30 minutes before the session starts so there’s time to greet everyone. It’s lovely.
I feel able to move on with my life. Donna will never be out of my heart or out of my head, but my grief is manageable now. I used to drive down the road thinking, “Why me?” “Why Donna?” but gradually I don’t think like that anymore. I’m healing.”
